The BillionDollar Princess Bride
by Elektra1
Summary: A parody of the movie 'The Princess Bride' starring Stephanie, Jericho, Triple H, and many more WWFWCWECW Superstars!
1. Part One

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 1

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 1**

"Hey Cousin Crash! How are ya feelin'?" a cheery Molly Holly spoke as she bounded into her sick Cousin's room. 

"Real yucky," Crash replied, blowing his nose as he wrapped the bedsheets around himself tighter. 

"Oh… um… well, I got somthin' that'll cheer ya right up!" 

"What?" 

"Cousin Hardcore is here!" 

Crash frowned, "Awww man… He'll smack me upside the head and yell at me for bein' a wimp," 

"Awwww c'mon, Crash… he won't do that!" 

"Hey! Whatcha' sitting then feeling sorry for yourself? You're a Holly, not a wimp!" Hardcore Holly began as he entered the bedroom. He went up to crash and smacked him upside the head. 

"I'll leave you two boys alone," Molly giggled, then headed out. 

Hardcore sat on the chair beside Crash's bed and handed him a wrapped present, "I brought you something," 

"Ooooh! What is it, Cousin?" 

"Well open it up and you'll see!" Hardcore replied. 

Crash ripped off the paper, and studied the object in his hand, less then enthused, "A book?" 

** "**That's right! MY big cousin read it to me when I was sick, and now I'm gonna read it to YOU! So sit back and shut up," 

"Uh... sure, Cousin," Crash spoke, afraid to say no. 

"Good," Hardcore replied, "Now let's start..." 

------------------------------ 

[_From here on, Hardcore Holly will be referred to as the Narrator_] 

**Narrator: **Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Stephanie, the daughter of Vince McMahon. She was raised in a large, tasteful mansion in Stamford, Connecticut. Her favorite past-times were driving her porsche, and tormenting the wrestlers that worked for her father. One particular wrestler was named Jericho. Nothing gave Stephanie as much pleasure as tormenting Jericho. 

**Stephanie:** [_to Jericho_] Y2Jerk, wax my porsche. I want to see my face shining in it by morning! 

**Jericho:** [_muttering_] Bottom-feeding trashbag ho! 

**Narrator:** 'Bottom-feeding trashbag ho' was all Jericho ever said. 

**Stephanie:** [_holding out an empty cup_] Y2Jerk, refill my coffee! 

**Jericho:** [_taking the cup_] Bottom-feeding trashbag ho! 

**Narrator:** The other wrestlers started realizing the reason Jericho called Stephanie a 'bottom-feeding trashbag ho' was because he had a crush on her and refused to admit it. Even more amazing was that they realized Stephanie had a crush on Jericho too, but refused to admit it as well. 

**Stephanie:** Y2Jerk, tonight you're jobbing to X-pac! 

**Jericho:** [_jobs to X-Pac_] Bottom-feeding trashbag ho! 

**Narrator:** Jericho had no chance of winning the WWF title since Vince only cared about the big guys. Instead, he packed his few belongings and left the WWF to seek a championship in Japan. It was a very emotional time for Stephanie. 

**Stephanie:** [_smiling evilly_] I'll never see you again... 

**Jericho:** Of course you will. 

**Stephanie:** Yeah, well… maybe something will happen to you! 

**Jericho:** I'll always return to torment you. 

**Stephanie:** But how can you be sure? 

**Jericho:** I hate you. You think I hate EVERYONE I meet? [_Jericho then grabs Stephanie and kisses her, despite her struggling and protests. He smirks, then leaves_] 

**Narrator:** Jericho didn't reach his destination. The ship heading to Japan was attacked by the Dread Pirate No-Seller. When Stephanie got the news that Jericho was squashed... 

**Crash Holly:** [_interrupting_] Squashed by pirates is cool! 

**Narrator: **Shut up before I beat you! [_clears his throat, then continues_] When Stephanie got the news that Jericho was squashed... she went into her room and shut the door, realizing life just wouldn't be the same any more without him. 

**Stephanie:** [_sad and heartbroken_] I will never torment anyone again...   
  
  


**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Part Two

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 2

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 2**

**Narrator:** Five years later, the WWF arenas were filled as never before to hear the Great Prince Helmsley announce his bride to be. 

**Helmsley:** [_with music blaring, he gets into the ring and grabs a mic. Asshole chants can be heard_] Shut up! [_more asshole chants_] HEY! I have a few things to say! [_finally the asshole chants fade_] A while ago, Vince McMahon screwed me out of a WWF championship match! So… I've decided to get back at him! I plan on hitting Vinnie-mac where it hurts… and marry a woman who was once loyal to McMahon! Would you like to meet her?! 

**Crowd: **[_echoing_] NO!!! 

**Helmsley:** [_not listening to the crowd_] The Billion-dollar Princess Stephanie! 

[_Stephanie comes down the ramp dressed rather skanky. She climbs into the ring and stands beside Helmsley_] 

**Narrator:** Stephanie's emptiness consumed her. Although Helmsley's plan to get back at daddy seemed like a good idea at the time - and she DID find him kind of cute - she didn't feel for Helmsley the way she had felt for Jericho... whatever it WAS that she felt for Jericho. 

[_The scene fades to Stephanie riding in her limo the next morning_] 

[_Enter Shane McMahon; an olympic hero; and a Giant_] 

**Shane McMahon:** [_standing in front of the limo, causing the limo driver to stop. He goes to Stephanie's window and knocks. Stephanie rolls the window down_] Hey Steph! I found these Wrestlers and they seem to be out of a job. Do you think WWF will take them, or should I ship them to some nearby indies? 

**Stephanie:** Dad already has a full roster! And there are no indies nearby. 

**Shane McMahon:** [_signals to the Giant, who then proceeds to knock the limo driver unconscious_] Cool! Then no one will hear you scream like the spoiled little princess you are! I never got why you were always Daddy's little girl anyway! 

[_The Giant quickly grabs the billion-dollar princess by the neck and pulls her out of the limo through the open window. They take Stephanie to their ship_] 

**Olympic Hero [Kurt Angle]:** [_seeing Shane McMahon ripping something up_] Uh… Shane? What the heck are you ripping? 

**Shane McMahon:** It's fabric from an Alliance T-shirt 

**Giant [The Big Show]:** What's the Alliance? 

**Shane McMahon:** The sworn enemy of the WWF! Don't you watch the shows? 

[_Shane McMahon attaches the cloth to Stephanie's unconscious limo driver_] 

**Shane McMahon:** When the limo driver wakes up, he'll go back to the WWF. The fabric will make Prince Helmsley and Vince McMahon suspect that the Alliance has abducted Stephanie. This will cause them to actually work TOGETHER to save her. When they find Stephie jobbing to Stacey Kiebler, their suspicions will be totally confirmed. 

**Big Show:** You never said anything about jobbing anyone! 

**Shane McMahon:** [_angrily_] I hired you to help me start a War between WWF and The Alliance! What's wrong with you, man? [_smacks Show upside the head_] 

**Big Show:** I just don't think it's right jobbing ANYONE to Stacey Keibler! 

**Angle: **I agree with Big Show. Forcing a lovely woman like the billion-dollar Princess Stephanie to get in the ring under ANY circumstances lacks integrity. 

**Shane McMahon:** Oh, the olympic hero has spoken! What happens to her isn't your concern. I will JOB her! Now both of you just SHUT UP and do what I say!! 

[_Shane McMahon walks away, angered, and sets the ship free_] 

**Angle:** Shane is such a dork... 

**Big Show:** [_thinking_] Dork, dork... [_comes up with something_] When he talks, I want to stuff his mouth with a CORK! 

**Angle:** Probably never found a lady who was a… looker 

**Big Show:** Not unless it was a 3 cent… hooker! 

**Angle:** [_somewhat surprised_] Now that response lacked integrity, Show! 

**Shane McMahon:** Stop rhyming or I'll kick your ass! 

**Big Show:** Has anyone seen my favourite glass? 

**Shane McMahon:** Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!! 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Part Three

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 2

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 3**

[_It is night-time, Angle, Show, Shane, and the billion-dollar princess are still at sea_]   


**Shane McMahon:** We'll reach the cliffs soon. [_Turns to Angle, who is staring behind_]. Yo, Kurt - Why do you keep staring behind us? 

**Angle:** Just making sure nobody's following us, Shane sir. 

**Stephanie:** [_to Shane_] Daddy will find you, and so will Prince Helmsley... and you'll all be stuck jobbing until you DIE! 

**Shane McMahon:** Sis, worry about YOURSELF jobbing! [_pausing, then turning to Angle, who's still glancing behind_] Will you stop that, man! Relax! It's almost over. 

**Angle:** Shane... are you SURE no one's following us? 

**Shane McMahon:** No one in the Alliance knows what we've done, and no one in the WWF could have gotten here so fast, so don't worry! Shane-o-mac knows what he's doing. It's IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to follow us! 

**Angle:** I know a ship when I see it. I'm telling you there's one right behind us! And that, my friend, is TRUE! 

**Shane McMahon:** [_now seeing a ship in the distance_] Probably some local indie Wrestler heading to his next show .... 

[_Stephanie suddenly jumps overboard_] 

**Shane McMahon:** Kurt, go get her! 

**Angle:** Sir, as a man of intelligence, it would be a bad idea to risk my olympic neck jumping in after her. 

**Shane McMahon:** Show, go get her! 

**Big Show: **[_turning to Shane McMahon_] Yeah, like I can swim! 

**Shane McMahon:** I'm jobbing you BOTH to Shawn Stasiak! You just wait! [_suddenly, horrible screeching is heard. Shane looks at Stephanie in the water_] I guess you're gonna get up close and personal with some screeching divas! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always get more annoying when they're about to feed. 

--------------------------   
Crash stared at his cousin, Hardcore, eyes wide as he hugged his bed sheets tightly. 

"Hey, Crash? Are you wimping out on me? You look scared! I thought you could handle this book!" Hardcore replied. 

"I...I wasn't scared!" Crash sputtered, "I'm a super-heavyweight! We don't get scared over books. Go on..." 

"You sure? Because it looks like you were scared..." Hardcore insisted. 

"WAS NOT! Just READ!" 

"Ok, Crash... if you say so! Now let's see... ok, Stephanie was in the water, the screeching divas were going after her, she was frightened, the screeching divas started to surround her... and then---" 

-------------------------- 

[_Big Show reaches out of the boat, hits the screeching divas on the head, and pulls Stephanie back on Board_] 

**Shane McMahon:** Put my stupid sister down! 

**Angle: **[_looking back at the other ship again_] I think he's getting closer! [_a pause_] He must be a man of intensity... 

**Shane McMahon:** Who cares? I'm Shane-o-mac! As fast as Simba! We can out run that jobber anytime! [_turns to Stephanie_] And when did YOU get so brave, Steph, jumping in the water like that? 

**Stephanie:** [_glaring at Shane_] I swear, when I get back home, I'm going to tell daddy to kick your ass! 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Part Four

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 2

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 4**

[_Dawn, the next morning_] 

**Angle:** Sir, that ship is still following us! 

**Shane McMahon:** It doesn't matter! See! [_pointing skyward_] The Cliffs of   
Russo! We're safe, only Big Show is strong enough to climb that thing! 

[_Big Show, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the cliff, followed by someone else_] 

**Angle:** [_seeing a man clad in shiny black leather pants, black t-shirt, and a black mask that covers his head and eyes_] I was right, he IS a man of intensity! He's catching up! 

[_Finally, Big Show reaches the top. Shane McMahon quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger_] 

[_All three peer over the edge of the cliff_] 

**Shane McMahon:** He didn't fall! Damn! Well, whoever he is, he's seen us with Steph. He has to job! Show, carry her. Kurt, wrestle HIM [_points to the man climbing_] 

[_Shane McMahon, and Show head off with Stephanie, leaving Angle alone_] 

[_Angle practices a few stretches. He then calls to the Man in Black_] 

**Angle:** Hey there. My name is Kurt Angle. I'm an Olympic hero and-- 

**Man in black:** [_interrupting_] Kirk Angel... would you please SHUT the HELL up! I'm trying to climb here! 

**Angle:** [_apologetic_] Sorry. 

**Man in Black:** Thank You. 

**Angle:** [_pauses_] Umm... can you go a bit faster? 

**Man in black:** I guess you're into quickies, huh? 

**Angle:** [_confused_] I don't get it.. [_shakes his head_] Never mind. Here. I'll lower some rope... but as a man of integrity, I should inform you that I'm only waiting around to Wrestle you. I promise I'll wait until you reach the top though. 

**Man in black:** If that's the way you want it, I'll give you an ass kicking you will never eeeeeeeeeever forget! 

**Angle:** [_shrugging_] We'll just see about that! Here... [_Angle throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where there's a clearing_] 

**Man in black:** Thanks Junior [_He gets in a face-off position_] 

**Angle: **I'll wait until you're ready... 

**Man in black:** Thanks again [_He sits and tightens his laces_] 

**Angle:** Um... you don't by any chance happen to be bald? 

_[The man in black pulls a lock of long blond hair out from under his mask, then tucks it back in again_] 

**Angle: **Ahh.. k. Thanks. You see, my medals were stolen by a bald-headed redneck. I worked long and hard for those medals. I won them in the Olympics you know [_Angle takes out a picture of the medals and shows it to the Man in black_] 

**Man in black:** I really don't care, Kirk. 

**Angle:** [_not noticing the man in black's disinterest. Angle now seems to be focusing on a long-ago memory_] Those medals meant the world to me. I made a vow that the next time I see the bald-headed redneck, I'll go up to him and say 'Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You stole my medals. Prepare to tap' 

**Man in black:** Man... you must be some grade A loser to spend your life searching for pieces of tin. 

[_Angle is hurt by the man in black's comments, and turns around, hiding the tear sliding down his face_] 

[_After another minute, the Man in black stands up, prepared to wrestle_] 

**Man in black:** I hope you find the bald-headed redneck someday... if only to stop you whining about your medals. 

**Angle:** [_ignoring his comment_] You ready to go then? 

**Man in black:** I am. C'mon baby! 

[_The two wrestle_] 

**Angle:** Hey, you're pretty good. 

**Man in black:** I know I am... but why are you smiling? 

**Angle:** Because I know something you don't know. 

**Man in black:** And what's that? 

**Angle:** [_knocking the man in black to the ground_] I know a painful submission move! 

[_Angle_ _proceeds to put the Man in Black in the ankle-lock submission hold_] 

**Man in black:** [_struggling to escape the move_] There's something I should tell YOU. 

**Angle:** What? 

**Man in black:** I know a painful submission move too! 

[_The Man in black breaks out of the hold, and knocks Angle's feet out from under him, then proceeds to put him in "The Walls"_] 

[_Angle taps_] 

[_The Man in black then hits Angle with a stiff punch, knocking him out_] 

**Man in black:** Please understand I hold you in the highest respect [_pause_] Actually, no I don't... 

[_The man in black runs off to find Shane McMahon. As he proceeds up a big hill, he is met by a charging Big Show_] 

[_The Man in black jumps out of the way, causing Big Show to land on his face_] 

[_Big Show climbs back to his feet and tries to grab the man in black, but misses_]

[_Man in Black puts Big Show in a sleeper hold. Show struggles, running out of breath. After a few moments, Big Show falls to the ground, unconscious_] 

**Man in Black:** [_looking at Big Show_] Big Show, or Big SLOW. Either way, you're the biggest jobber I've eeeeeeeeeeever seen... 

[_The Man in black then heads off to continue his quest_] 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Part Five

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 2

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 5**

[_Prince Helmsley, and Austin are examining the battleground of Angle and the man in black_] 

**Helmsley:** [_staring at the footprints in the dirt_] There was a kick-ass match here, and it seems both men had a pretty decent workrate. 

**Stone Cold:** Who won? WHAT? I said who won! 

**Helmsley:** The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints   
toward the Alliance... 

**Stone Cold:** Should we track them both? What? 

**Helmsley:** Only the billion-dollar princess matters. Obviously we can't let The Alliance win! 

**Stone Cold:** Think someone is trying to take your spot with the Billion-Dollar Princess? 

**Helmsley:** I always think someone is trying to take my spot, but Stephanie is my insurance policy, and I won't give her up so easily! 

[_Helmsley and Austin head off in their limos while the man in black finds and confronts Shane McMahon, who is preparing to eat_] 

**Shane McMahon:** Damn, you got this far! Why are you following me anyway? Steph's MY sister and I'll kidnap her if I want to! 

**Man in black:** Why do I care about your sister? I just felt like challenging you to a match. 

**Shane McMahon:** A match? Fine then... how about a match of wits! 

**Man in black:** Fine. [_thinks for a moment_] I get the Billion-Dollar Princess if I win though! 

**Shane McMahon:** You won't win, but it's a deal! 

**Stephanie:** SHANE! 

**Shane McMahon:** Shut up, Steph! [_turns to the man in black_] Have a seat [he sits]. Now let's go. 

**Man in black:** [_He takes two cookies out of his pocket and places them on the table_] I got these from a lady named Debra. One of us is going to suffer food poisioning, the other isn't. YOU decide.****

**Shane McMahon:** Well.. let's see now. Are you the sort of man who would eat a bad cookie, trusting on your strength to save you? Maybe. Maybe not. Although, since you beat my Olympic hero, you had to have trained ... and in training, you learned that man can only take so much punishment. You'd have wanted put the deadly cookie as far from yourself as possible! 

**Man in black:** [_rolling his eyes_] Either make up your mind, or I'll make this a Wrestling match after all! 

**Shane McMahon:** Ok Ok... calm down! I know where the bad cookie is! 

**Man in black:** Well it's about damn time! So... where is it? 

**Shane McMahon:** It's.... um.... uh.... [_pointing behind the man in black_] LOOK! A bikini contest! 

**Man in black:** [_turning to look] _What?! Where?! Who is it? Are they hot? _ [Shane McMahon switches the cookies around_] Why can't I see them? [_turns back to Shane, frowning_]. Well THAT was a cheap trick. 

**Shane McMahon:** No trick. I swear... I thought I saw something. Ah well, no matter... let's eat! 

[_Shane McMahon laughs as they both eat their chosen cookie_] 

**Man in black:** Wrong choice, Junior! 

**Shane McMahon:** That's what YOU think! When you had your back turned, I switched the cookies! [_Shane McMahon laughs hysterically. Suddenly, he stops and falls over, not moving.]___

_[The Man in black stands up and nudges Shane with the toe of his boot. There's no reaction._]____

**Man in black:** Told you you made the wrong choice!_ [He then removes the blindfold from the billion-dollar princess_] 

**Stephanie:** So it was YOUR cookie that was poisoned? 

**Man in black:** Actually, Debra makes really bad cookies. Both were deadly. I've just built up a resistance to it. 

[_The scene switches back to Helmsley and his men_] 

**Helmsley:** Some one has beaten a giant jobber. Vince is going to be pissed if she's hurt.

**Stone Cold:** And you?

**Helmsley:** [_caught off guard_] Uh, yeah... yeah, if she's hurt, I'll be pissed too. Let's go. 

[_The scene jumps back to the man in black, running with the billion-dollar_   
_princess_] 

**Man in black:** [_stops_] Catch your breath. 

**Stephanie:** If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you. My daddy is rich... he owns the WWF! He can-- 

**Man in black:** [_interrupting_] Would you please shut the hell up?! I don't want your daddy's money! 

**Stephanie: **[_angry_] I'll have you know my daddy's money is VERY good! But fine... be that way! It doesn't matter because Prince Helmsley will find me anyhow! 

**Man in black:** You think the man you love will save you? 

**Stephanie:** [_insulted_] I never said I loved him! 

**Man in black:** Then why are you engaged to him? 

**Stephanie:** Our marriage is a business arrangement. 

**Man in black:** [_angry_] I bet you're always available for a 'business arrangement', huh? 

**Stephanie:** [_taken back_] How DARE YOU! You have NO idea what I've been through! I lost the only man I've ever--[_the man in black knocks Stephanie to the ground and sets up for "the Walls"_]. What are you doing! LET GO!!! 

**Man in black:** [_he lets her go_] That was a warning! Next time, you'll be tapping! 

[_Stephanie stands up and sneers at him_] 

[_The scene cuts back to Helmsley, examining the last battle scene_] 

**Helmsley:** Debra's cookies! I'd bet my life on it. And there   
are the billion-dollar princess's footprints. [_gets back in his limo and commands his driver to follow the footprints_] 

[_Back to the Man in black and Stephanie, still running_] 

**Stephanie:** I know who you are! You're the Dread Pirate no-seller! Admit it! 

**Man in black: **[_smirking_] You got me! What can I do for you? 

**Stephanie:** You can kill your career slowly, jobbing day by day until your heat disappears no one cares about you anymore. 

**Man in black:** Well, someone is PMSing today... 

**Stephanie:** [_upset_] Shut up! You just shut up! You squashed the man I... um... loved to hate! 

**Man in black:** Maybe. I squash a lot of people. Who was this love-to-hate of yours? Another prince like this one...with a big nose, lots of money, and a no-job clause in his contract? 

**Stephanie:** No, a wrestler! We always fought, called each other names. I could just see him now... the way he glared at me... [_she starts to stare dreamily_] those eyes were like the sea after a storm. [_snaps out of it_] He was heading to Japan to win a championship when you attacked. And we all know the Dread Pirate No-seller never takes prisoners! 

**Man in black:** Well, a man's gotta have SOME standards [_studies Stephanie_] Obviously this wrestler of yours didn't have very HIGH standards. 

**Stephanie: **You DARE make fun of me? Do you know who I am? I'm Stephanie McMahon, damnit!! 

**Man in black:** Am I supposed to be impressed? [_pauses for a moment_] I remember this Wrestler of yours. He jobbed to my finishing move well. Before I pinned him, though, he said he needed to win. I asked him what was so damn important, and he talked about some hot chick who was waiting for him to return... [_looks at Stephanie_] I guess that's YOU! 

[_The man in black and Stephanie see Helmsley's limos in the distance_] 

**Stephanie: **[_pushing him down the hillside_] You should have been squashed instead! 

**Man in black:** [_tumbling down and echoing_] Bottomfeeding..... trashbag.... 'hooooooooooooooooo....... 

**Stephanie:** [_shocked_] What the... Y2Jerk??? 

[_Stephanie hurls herself down the mountain, in chase of Jericho_] 

[_Helmsley moves closer_] 

**Helmsley:** [_looking where Stephanie and Jericho were_] Damn. They disappeared faster then Lord Bagwell! They must have seen us 

[_Jericho and Stephanie finally stop falling. Jericho moves over to help_   
_Stephanie_] 

**Jericho:** I told you I would come back to torment you. Why didn't you wait for me? 

**Stephanie:** Well, I thought you were squashed by the Dread Pirate No-Seller! 

**Jericho:** Getting squashed can't kill my heat ... All it can do is delay it for awhile. 

[_Stephanie and Jericho reach towards each other... and---_] 

-------------------------- 

"Uh... cousin.... do you GOTTA read that?" Crash began. 

"Read what? What's the matter?" 

"Well, gosh, Cousin Hardcore - Are they gonna smooch? I mean, do ya gotta read the smoochy part?" 

"Yeah right... like they'd ever kiss!" Hardcore replied. 

"Oh, ok. I just thought they both had a--uh, never mind. Go on, Cousin," 

Hardcore Holly shrugs, then continues reading 

-------------------------- 

**Narrator:** Jericho and Stephanie raced along the ravine floor in an attempt to hide from Helmsley and Stone Cold. 

**Jericho: **[_explaining to Stephanie_]No-Seller's ship 'Heat Killer' is banked at the far end. Like I said, I'm the Dread Pirate No-Seller. 

**Stephanie:** But how's that possible? He's been around forever! 

**Jericho:** Well, he DID attack the boat I was on 5 years ago, and that thing about me saying I wanted to win was true too... which the Dread Pirate No-Seller found interesting. So he didn't squash me. He asked me to be his manager instead. After about four years, he finally decided he wanted to retire, then told me his secret: 'I'm not the Dread Pirate No-Seller. My name is Taker!' he said, 'And the man before me wasn't the Dread Pirate No-Seller either. His name was Hogan.' Well, Taker then told me the REAL Dread Pirate No-Seller had been retired for 15 years and living far far away. So Taker jobbed his ship and champion no-seller title belt to me in a final match!

**Crash Holly:** [_interrupting the story_] Wow.... this really IS a fairy-tale, isn't it, Cousin?

**Hardcore Holly**: What did I say about interrupting me? Now shut up!

[_the story continues. Stephanie and Jericho keep walking until---_]

[O_ut of nowhere, the sound of several limos echo through the silence. Prince Helmsley has found them_] 

**Helmsley:**[_Holding his sledgehammer high as he glares at Jericho while he stands up through his sunroof_] Give me the Billion-Dollar Princess! 

**Jericho:** Sure you can afford her?

**Helmsley:** Don't be a smart ass! Give me the Billion-Dollar Princess NOW! 

[_Helmsley's men surround Jericho and Stephanie with books and pens, waiting to write a career-ending angle_] 

**Jericho:** Forget it! [_Jericho gets in a ready position_] 

**Helmsley: **[_shouting_] Do you need to be introduced to my sledgehammer? 

**Stephanie:** [_to Helmsley_] I'll come with you -- only if you promise not to hurt the jerk! 

**Jericho: **Stephanie, would you please shut the HELL up! 

**Stephanie:** [_ignoring Jericho_] Listen, he's a sailor on the pirate ship 'Heat Killer'. Get him back to his ship. 

**Helmsley:** Fine. Done. [_Helmsley whispers to Stone Cold_] Once we're gone, take him back to Titan Towers and throw him in the doghouse. 

**Stone Cold: **[_smiling coldly_] Fine. Done. WHAT? 

[_Stephanie is pulled into the limo and driven away with Helmsley_] 

**Stone Cold:** [_to Jericho_] Well, son, we need to get you and your stupid haircut back to your ship. What? I said we need to get you and your stupid haircut back to you ship! 

**Jericho:** Yeah, like you have any intention of returning me to my ship.   
[_Jericho notices Stone Cold's bald head and red neck_] By the way... someone was looking for you... 

[_Stone Cold quickly knocks Jericho out with a stone-cold stunner_] 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	6. Part Six

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride - Scene 2

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 6**

[_Titan Towers Doghouse_] 

[_Enter Spike Dudley. Spike Dudley examines Jericho, who is tied down. He checks his eyes for any sign of concussion_] 

**Jericho:** Where am I? 

**Spike Dudley:** The Titan Towers doghouse. Only Prince Helmsley, and Stone Cold can get you out of here. 

**Jericho:** Then I'm here 'till I die? 

**Spike Dudley:** 'Till they spread rumors about you until everyone thinks you suck, and you have to pack up and find another federation, yeah. 

**Jericho:** If I'm going to be stuck in the doghouse, why bother checking for a concussion? 

**Spike Dudley:** Well, Helmsley and Stone Cold always insist on everyone being healthy before they're forced to watch either one of them cut a promo. 

**Jericho:** Ugh... torture. I guess I can handle that. 

**Spike Dudley:** [_Spike Dudley shakes his head_] Nobody withstands a 30 minute Austin promo. NOBODY! 

[_The scene shifts to Helmsley's Castle_] 

[_Stephanie roams the castle, saddened. Prince Helmsley and Stone Cold are planning their next screw job, and notice Stephanie_] 

**Helmsley:** She's been like that for the last few days. It's watching those old Kronik matches... 

**Stone Cold:** WHAT? Oh... of course 

[_scene shifts to the next day_] 

**Narrator:** Monday night at 9pm, EST, Stephanie met the loyal WWF fans 

[_Stephanie comes out before the crowd. She is met by loud 'slut' chants_] 

**Stephanie:** [_upset_] I am NOT a slut! Shut up!! All of you just SHUT UP! I am Stephanie McMahon, damnit! 

[_No one shuts up, and instead starts a Y2J chant_] 

**Stephanie**: No... he's not here. He's gone... stop! Please... STOP! 

[_Stephanie wakes up_] 

[_Stephanie confronts Helmsley in his quarters_] 

**Stephanie:** I want Jericho, I always have - I know now I always will... though I don't know why. He's a big, blonde JERK who-- uh... never mind. Anyway... if you insist on marrying me in ten days, I will run off to the Alliance and join THEM instead! 

**Helmsley:** Well... fine. Consider our marriage cancelled. [_turns_   
_to Stone Cold_] You returned Jericho to his ship? 

**Stone Cold:** WHAT? Oh... yeah, I returned that silly bastard to his ship! 

**Helmsley:** We'll find him then. Hey Steph, are you certain he'll want to come back to you? After all, he's been known to call you a filthy, disgusting, brutal, bottomfeeding trashbag ho! 

**Stephanie:** [_determined_] Jericho will always come back to torment me no matter what! 

**Helmsley:** Fine. You write four copies of a Wrestling contract. I'll send my   
four fastest limos, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate No-Seller is always around this time of year. If Jericho wants you, fine. Torment each other forever. If not, you'll marry ME. Agreed? 

[_Stephanie nods, then heads back to her room_] 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	7. Part Seven

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 7**

[_Titan Towers_] 

[_Stone Cold and Helmsley are just outside the secret entrance to the Doghouse_] 

**Stone Cold:** The billion-dollar princess is quite independant. A bit skanky though. WHAT? 

**Helmsley:** I know. She's got major heat with the fans. When I hired Shane McMahon to have her jobbed to the Alliance, I thought that was great. But it's going to be so much more fun when I make her sign that agreement on our wedding night granting me over half of the McMahon billions. Once I stash the money away and blame the Alliance for stealing it, the fans will be outraged - they'll demand I take over the WWF and get revenge! 

**Stone Cold:** [_snickers, then examines a huge door_] Now where is that secret panel? [_he finds it and the door opens to reveal a hidden passage_] Are you coming into the doghouse? WHAT? I said are you coming into the doghouse? Jericho's got his strength back. I'm starting his torture tonight. WHAT? I said I'm starting his torture tonight! 

**Helmsley:** [_sincerely_] Austin, you know how much I love watching you cut a never-ending promo, but I've got my next title reign to plan, my wedding to   
arrange, my wife to con, and the Alliance to frame for it; I'm swamped. 

**Stone Cold:** Take a rest then, ya silly bastard. 

[_Stone Cold enters the doghose, and Helmsley leaves Titan Towers_] 

**Stone Cold:** [_admiring his torture contraption - a TV screen, attached to a big machine. Jericho sits tied to a chair facing the screen. There are wires from the machine attached to his head_] Beautiful ain't it? I want you to be honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. WHAT? I said I want you to be honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. I think I'll use the lowest setting. WHAT? I said I think I'll use the lowest setting. 

[_Stone Cold activates the machine. Jericho writhes in great pain as Austin promo after Austin promo airs on the screen in front of him. 99% of the promos consist of Austin repeating the word "what"_] 

**Stone Cold:** [_calmly_] As you know, the concept of annoying and pissing off fans is old. Making you watch this, I've just sucked one year of your life away. WHAT? I said I just sucked one year of your life away! The lowest setting is 'jobber to a chair-shot'. I might one day go as high as 'jobber to Al Snow', but I really don't know what that'll do to ya. WHAT? I said I really don't know what that'll do to ya! Tell me what THIS did. Now be honest. How do you feel? 

**Jericho:** [_crying in pain_] No more! No more! [_starts tugging at his hair_] If I have to hear you say WHAT one more time, I'll kill MYSELF! 

**Stone Cold:** WHAT? 

[_The scene shifts to Prince Helmsley in his quarters_] 

[_Helmsley's personal fighter enters the room_] 

**Helmsley:** RVD? 

**RVD:** [_points to his shoulders and confirms that he is indeed RVD_] The whole F'n show at your service! What is it, man? 

**Helmsley:** Con-artists from the Alliance are infiltrating the WWF and plan to con my bride out of all her money on our wedding night. 

**RVD:** [_surprised_] Hey man, I didn't hear anything about that. Don't matter anyway. Just take it easy, man. I'll take care of it. Here [_hands Helmsley a rolled piece of paper with 'special' filler_] 

**Helmsley:** [_looking at the object RVD is offering him_] Uh... no... 

[_Stephanie quietly enters_] 

**Stephanie:** Any word from Jericho? 

**Helmsley:** [_startled_] STEPH! No... um.. not yet. 

**Stephanie: **He'll come back to torment me. I know he will! [_Stephanie sticks her nose up in the air and leaves in a huff_] 

**Helmsley:** [_muttering_] Skanky little--- uh... RVD... [_turns to RVD_] On the   
day of the wedding, I want the WWF locker room emptied! 

**RVD:** [_distraught_] Dude... the wrestlers are gonna resist! They're gonna be all pissed and stuff. 

**Helmsley:** [_angered_] Then find some people who'll turn on their fellow workers and HELP you. I hear Lord Regal is available. I want the locker room emptied before I marry Steph, got it?! 

**RVD:** That's gonna be hard, man... 

**Helmsley:** You think THAT'S hard, try manipulating a non-stop monster push into your contract sometime! 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	8. Part Eight

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 8**

**Narrator:** The day of the wedding arrived. The workers had their hands full carrying out Helmsley's orders. 

[_RVD and his men are clearing out the WWF locker room_] 

**RVD:** Yo, is everyone out? 

**Jobber**: Almost. There's an Olympic Hero still in there. He won't leave. 

**RVD:** Well, MAKE him leave! C'mon! Helmsley's gonna kick my ass if we don't follow through ont this! 

[_In the locker room,Angle is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Empty milk cartons are strewn about_] 

**Angle:** [_he appears to be drunk_] I'm waiting for Shane McMahon! 

**Jobber:** Helmsley wants your ass outta here!! 

[_Angle jumps up and puts the jobber in the ankle-lock submission hold]_

**Angle:** I'm staying 'till Shane McMahon gets here. It's true. It's damn true! 

**Jobber**: HELP!! Someone HELP! [_he taps vigorously_] 

**Angle:** I said I'm waiting for Shane McMahon. [_Just then, a hand grabs him from behind_] 

[_Angle looks up, and sees that it's Big Show_] 

**Angle:** SHOW! [_The jobber gets up, but Big Show knocks him back down again with one punch_] You know, Show -- I think someone spiked my milk! 

**Big Show:** You sure all you had was milk? 

**Angle:** Of course... olympic heroes don't drink... [_Angle then passes out_] 

**Narrator:** Big Show and Angle were reunited. Big Show told Angle about Shane McMahon jobbing to Debra's cookies, and the existence of Stone Cold - the bald-headed redneck. Considering Angle's thirst for vengence, he handled the Stone Cold news surprisingly well. 

[_Angle breaks down and cries over a picture of his medals_] 

**Angle:** At last, I'll get revenge!! [_he blows his nose and sniffles, then gets serious_] Where the bald-headed redneck now? I'm gonna make him TAP! 

**Big Show:** He's with the prince at Titan Towers. But the door is guarded by   
thirty wrestlers. 

**Angle:** How many can you handle? 

**Big Show:** Ten, I guess. 

**Angle:** Well, darn... I can't put twenty wrestlers in the ankle-lock at the same time! I need Shane McMahon to plan this... 

**Big Show:** But I told you, Shane McMahon is a jobber! 

**Angle: **Yeah, but... [_an idea comes to him_] The man in black! 

**Big Show:** Say what? 

**Angle:** The man who can make Shane McMahon job will have no problem planning an attack like this! Let's go! 

**Big Show:** Where? 

**Angle:** Well DUH... Find the man in black! 

**Big Show:** But you don't know where he is? 

**Angle:** I'll simply use two of my three I's: Intelligence, and Intensity! We'll find him!! Finally, I'll take my revenge on the man who stole my precious medals!! 

[_The scene moves back to Helmsley, shining a title-belt in his chambers_] 

[_RVD arrives_] 

**Helmsley:** [_annoyed at being interrupted_] What is it?! 

**RVD:** Calm down, man. I emptied the WWF locker room. Thirty men guard the Titan Towers doors. 

**Helmsley:** Double it! The billion-dollar princess won't be swayed by the Alliance! 

**RVD:** The door only has one key card, and it belongs to ME [_points to himself with each letter_] R-V-D! 

[_Stephanie arrives_] 

**Helmsley:** Damn, what do YOU want... uh... I mean...[_smiles_] Are you ready for our wedding? [_turns to RVD_] Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to the WWF parking garage, where every limo I own will accompany us on our honeymoon. 

**Stephanie:** Every limo but the four you sent, right Hunter? You know, the ones carrying Jericho's contract? 

**Helmsley:** Well... of course. Right. 

**RVD:** [_realizing there's going to be trouble_] I'm out of here, man... [_he leaves_] 

**Stephanie:** You never sent the limos, did you Hunter? Well it doesn't   
matter, Jericho said he'd return anyway! 

**Helmsley: **[_getting angry_] You're a spoiled bitch! Stephie always has to get what she wants... 

**Stephanie: ** I may be a bitch, but YOU'RE nothing but a HEEL! You have to use ME to get cheap heat! 

**Helmsley: **[_outraged_] How DARE you! [_menacingly_] Not another word, Stephanie! 

**Stephanie:** Why? You can't hurt me. And when I say you're a heel, it's only because you are the filthiest, most disgusting, brutal bottom-feeding trashbag BASTARD ever to walk the Earth! 

**Helmsley:** [_furious_] I said NOT ANOTHER WORD! [_He forcefully escorts Stephanie to her room and locks her in_] 

[_Helmsley exits Titan Towers and enters the Doghouse. Austin is there. Jericho is still tied to the chair._] 

**Helmsley:** [_To Jericho_] She's picked up your attitude AND insults! And hey, since you two are so much alike, you might have actually been HAPPY together! But a couple like you have NO chance in this world. You'll end up hating each other until you die! So I'll just save you the trouble, and get rid if you NOW! 

[H_elmsley sets the machine to the maximum_] 

**Stone Cold:** WHAT?! You just set it to 'JOBBER TO THE JOBBERS', ya silly bastard!! 

[_Jericho screams out in pain as promo after promo quick cuts on the screen in front of him -- Rocky's very first 'blue chipper' promo, various Ultimate Warrior promos, Hogan promos, and last but not least, a Hardy Boys promo. The entire world can hear Jericho's cries]_

[_Angle and Big Show hear the echoing noise from afar_] 

**Angle:** Big Show! Listen. It's the sound of some SERIOUS pain. My olympic heart made that sound when Austin stole my medals! It's true! But now, the man in black makes it. 

**Big Show:** The man in black? 

**Angle:** The billion-dollar princess is marrying Helmsley tonight. So the man in black is kinda pissed... 

**Big Show:** Uh, and how do you know he even CARES about the billion-dollar princess? 

**Angle:** I just DO, ok? It's true. It's DAMN true! [_Angle and Big Show push their way through a mass of wrestling fans_] Excuse me, olympic hero coming through. Pardon me, sir. Oh... sure I'll give you an autograph... yes, always drink your milk! Umm, pardon me... gotta get by... [_They struggle to move even a few feet_] 

**Big Show:** [_in a bellowing voice_] EVERYBODY, MOVE YOUR ASSES! 

[_the fans bolt_] 

**Angle:** Thank You 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	9. Part Nine

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 9**

[_Angle and Big Show trace the screams to Titan Towers where they find Little Spike Dudley setting up a table_] 

**Angle:** [_to Spike Dudley_] Excuse me, sir. I'm Kurt Angle, Olympic hero. I was wondering if I could ask you something. Have you seen a man in black around here anywhere? 

**Spike: **I... uh... don't know any man in black... 

**Angle:** Maybe you can influence him a little, Show? 

[_Big Show nods, then smashes Spike Dudley through the table. Spike is unconscious_] 

**Big Show:** Um... oops? 

[_Angle, not giving up, kneels on one knee, holding the picture of his medals high_] 

**Angle:** My beautiful medals, I've failed you for so long, but somewhere close by is a man who can help us. Guide me to this man. Please? 

[_Angle stands, eyes closed, and is guided by the picture. It leads him to a nearby door. The door opens. The two walk in, and see Jericho lying in the middle of a make-shift ring, not moving_] 

**Big Show:** [_nudging Jericho with his foot_] Too late. He's a jobber 

**Angle:** Well, darn... who did HE piss off? 

------------------------- 

"Cousin! Wait? What does Big Show mean 'he's a jobber?'. Jericho's gonna get a push soon, isn't he? I mean, he's only pretending to be a jobber 'cuz it'll lead to a big angle, right? Like a feud with the Rock or sumthin'?" Crash Holly asked, eyes wide with concern. 

Hardcore smacked Crash upside the head, "You want me to read this or not?" 

"Who does Helmsley job to?" Crash asked. 

"Whaddya mean?" 

"Who does Prince Helmsley job to? At the end! He's gotta job to SOMEONE! Is it Jericho? I mean, Jericho ruins his career, right?" 

"Nobody ruins his career. He continues to Wrestle!" 

"You mean he wins? Geeeeeeez, Cousin! What kinda crappy book is this?" Crash pouted. 

"What's wrong with you, boy? You're taking this story a little to seriously. I think we'd better stop now." Hardcore said. 

"No! I'm fine. Just continue... please?" 

Hardcore rolls his eyes, "Whatever. Where were we? Ah yeah, the Titan Towers Doghouse..." 

------------------------- 

**Angle:** Olympic heroes never take defeat easily. Did you know I won my medals after having a broken neck? Anyway, let's go. Bring the jobber. Got any money? 

**Big Show:** A bit 

**Angle:** I just hope it's enough to buy a push, that's all. 

[_Angle and Big Show arrive with Jericho in front of a small wooden house wrapped in barbed-wire_] 

[_Angle knocks on the door_] 

**Voice:** [_from inside, irritated_] Go away... 

[_Angle knocks harder until a man with a baseball hat, suit, and cell phone opens a little hole cut in the door_] 

**Heyman:** Whaddya want? 

**Angle:** Are you Paul "miracle" Heyman? You used to work for Prince Helmsley, didn't you? 

**Heyman: **Helmsley fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you take my company away and force me to file for bankruptcy! We're CLOSED! [_Heyman closes the flap over the door hole, but Angle still knocks. He opens the flap again_] Beat it or I'll call Sabu! 

**Big Show:** I could kick Sabu's ass... 

**Heyman:** [_looks at Big Show_] I'm sure you could. 

**Angle:** We need your help. It's very important. 

**Heyman:** Look, I refuse to help anyone any more. Besides, why would you want someone Helmsley fired? I might job whoever you wanted me to push. 

**Angle:** He's already a jobber! 

**Heyman:** He is, eh? Bring the poor shmuck in. [_They enter. Heyman examines Jericho_] I've seen worse. Ever hear of a guy named Raven? Great Wrestler until Vince McMahon got a hold of him-- 

**Angle:** [_interrupting_] Sir... 

**Heyman:** What? 

**Angle:** We're sort of in a rush. 

**Heyman:** Don't rush me, pal. You rush a wrestling promoter, you get rotten pushes. You got money? 

**Angle:** Sixty-five. 

**Heyman:** Oy. I never pushed anyone for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause. 

**Angle:** I'm an olympic hero! Surely no one is more noble then I am! 

**Heyman:** Am I supposed to give a damn about you? 

**Angle:** Well, yeah... I need the man in black to help avenge my stolen medals! 

**Heyman:** There's gotta be a better reason then that. I'll ask him. 

**Angle:** Um, sir? He's a jobber. He doesn't have a say in anything.... 

**Heyman:** It just so happens that your friend here is only a jobber to the stars. There's a big difference between total jobber and jobber to the stars. Please open his mouth. [_He grabs a microphone_] Now, jobber to the stars means he has push potential. Total jobber...well, with total jobber, there's usually only one thing that you can do. 

**Angle:** What's that? 

**Heyman:** Laugh at him and pity his back luck [_Heyman holds the mic in front of Jericho and yells at him_] Hey! Hello in there! Lemme hear your mic skills!! You got a catchphrase worth repeating? 

**Jericho:** [_barely audible_] Shut.... the hell.... up.... 

**Angle:** [_excited_] You hear that?! You couldn't ask for a more insulting catchphrase then that! And he can get the whole crowd chanting it with him too. 

**Heyman:** Good catchphrases are the greatest thing in the world; But   
that's not a catchphrase. That's just an insult. No one--- 

[_A man in a black resistol hat runs out_] 

**Man in the black resistol hat:** [_interrupting_] Paul, you're a damned LIAR! 

**Heyman:** Get back, Hillbilly! 

**Man in the black resistol hat:** I'm not a hillbilly, I'm your broadcast partner! But after what you said, I don't know if I want to be THAT any more! "Shut the hell up" is an EXCELLENT catchphrase, Heyman! It would be over with the fans and--- 

**Heyman:** Don't say another word, J.R.... 

[_Angle looks on in disbelief_] 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** You're afraid. [_to Angle and Show_] Ever since Helmsley fired him, he's been wallowing in self-pity! 

**Heyman:** Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never   
say that name! 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** What name? HELMSLEY? 

**Heyman:** [_cringes_] Ahh!! 

**Good Ol' J.R.: ** Helmsley! 

**Heyman:** Ahh!! 

[_J.R. is chasing Heyman around the room, yelling 'Helmsley'. Heyman is covering his ears_] 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** Helmsley! 

**Heyman:** Ahh!! 

**Good Ol' J.R.**: Helmsley! 

**Heyman:** Ahh!! 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** Helmsley.... Helmsley! Helmsley! Helmsley! Helmsley! 

**Heyman:** Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! See, now you've got me all upset, JR! 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** Maybe you can go kiss Helmsley's ass and ask him to re-hire you! 

**Heyman: **I would NEVER! 

**Good Ol' JR:** Then PROVE it! Here you have a wrestler with potential sitting on the shelf and you don't even have the decency to say why you won't give him a push! 

**Heyman:** [_to Angle and Show_] Nobody's hearing nothing, ok?! 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** Helmsley! 

**Angle:** [_interrupting_] This is Stephanie's true---uh... well, whatever he is to Stephanie. If you give him a push, he'll stop Helmsley's wedding! 

**Heyman:** Wait, wait. I give this shmuck a push and Helmsley suffers? 

**Angle:** Oh it's true! 

**Heyman:** Now THERE'S a noble cause! I'll do it! 

[_Heyman, with help from Good Ol' J.R., makes a pill for Jericho_] 

**Angle:** That'll give him a push? 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** Yeah. It'll tweak his wrestling skills and build his body up [_a pause_] although some people claim these special pills are illegal. [_shakes his head_] Never mind. We're coating it in chocolate, so no one will be able to tell what it is anyway. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. 

**Angle:** [_leaving_] Thank you, sir. Your olympic hero is very grateful. We'll make you proud! 

**Heyman:** Okay, whatever. Just leave. 

_[Angle and Big Show leave_] 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** [_calling after them_] Bye bye, boys! 

**Heyman:** Have fun crashing the wedding! 

**Good Ol' J.R.:** [_to Heyman_] Think it will work? 

**Heyman:** [_to J.R._] probably not... 

**Heyman and Good Ol' J.R.:** [_calling out to Angle and Show again_] Buh-bye! 

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	10. Part Ten

The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride

**The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride**   
**Part 10**

[_It's dusk. Angle and Big Show are just outside Titan Towers, looking down at the main door_] 

**Big Show:** Angle, there are a helluva lot more than thirty wrestlers there! 

**Angle:** [_propping up Jericho_] What's the difference? We've got Y2J! Here, we have to force-feed him. [_they pop Heyman's pill into Jericho's mouth_] 

**Jericho:** [_disoriented_] I'll put you in the walls! I'll take you in a handicap match! [_a pause_] Why won't my arms move? 

**Big Show:** You've been jobbing all day. 

**Angle:** We had Paul Heyman create a pill to give you a push! 

**Jericho:** Who are you two? And where's my trashbag ho? 

**Angle:** Let me explain... Stephanie is gonna marry Helmsley in about half an hour. We need to get into Titan Towers, crash the wedding, find the billion-dollar princess, and escape... well, after I make Stone Cold tap to the ankle-lock. 

**Jericho:** Glad the pressure isn't on... What I wouldn't give for a shiny silver ring robe... 

**Big Show:** [_pulls out a shiny silver ring robe_] Would this do? 

**Angle:** Where did you get that? 

**Big Show:** At Heyman's 

**Jericho:** Alright, alright, help me up. [_They help him up_] Let's go! 

[_they make their way to Titan towers_] 

[_Inside Titan Towers_] 

**Helmsley:** You don't seem very happy, Steph. 

**Stephanie:** I'm marrying a backstabber who hangs out with a guy who's favourite word is "WHAT". SHOULD I be happy? 

**Helmsley:** Brides usually ARE. 

**Stephanie:** I'm not going to marry you tonight! I told you Jericho will come back to torment me, and I know he will! 

[_Stephanie leaves_] 

[_Half an hour later_] 

[_In the ring: Music blares. Helmsley and Stephanie make their way to ringside and stand before Kanyon_] 

**Kanyon:** Mawwiage. Mawwiage isth what bwings usth togethaw today. Mawwiage,that bwessthed awwangement, that dweam wif'in a dweam... 

[_From outside, the voice of RVD is heard_] 

**RVD:** Chill out, man! Jeez... calm down! 

[_Outside, Big Show is dressed in the ring robe_] 

**Big Show: **[_holding a mic_] I am the Dread Pirate no-seller! There will be no pushes from this day forward! 

**Angle:** Now? 

**Jericho:** Not yet. 

[_they wait a moment_] 

**Angle:** [_getting impatient_] Now?! 

**Jericho: ** Hit the pyros and music! [_Pyros explode all around Big Show. A song blares out, "Weeeeeell, well it's the Big Show..."_] 

**Big Show:** The Dread Pirate no-seller---uh... 

[_Most of the Titan Towers Wrestlers scatter in all directions before he has a chance to finish his promo_] 

[_Back in Titan Towers, Helmsley and Stephanie are still in the ring_] 

**Kanyon:** Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever... 

[_Outside_] 

**RVD: **[_unnaturally calm as the other wrestlers scatter_] Guys... c'mon... where are ya running too? [_looks confused for a moment as he finally notices Big Show_] Damn, what was in that coffee earlier? 

[_inside_] 

**Kanyon:** So tweasure youw... 

**Helmsley:** [_interrupting_] Kanyon, the fans' attention spans aren't this long! Get to the end already! 

**Stephanie:** [_she hears the noise outside_] Here comes Jericho now. 

[_Outside,_ _Big Show has removed the robe and all the wrestlers, except RVD, have fled_] 

[_inside_] 

**Helmsley:** Jericho's a jobber. I de-pushed him myself. 

**Stephanie:** Then why do you look all freaked out? Afraid he may take your spot? 

[_outside_] 

**Jericho:** [_to RVD_] Get us inside! 

**RVD:** [_calmly_] I can't get you inside, man. They'll fire my ass. 

**Angle:** Big Show, start cutting another promo 

**RVD:**[_looking a little scared_] OK, man. It's cool. Everything is cool when you're [_points to himself with each letter_] R-V-D... besides, no one should have to endure Big Show on the mic! 

[_back inside_] 

**Kanyon:** Do you Billion-Dollaw Pwincess Stefawnie... 

**Helmsley:** [_annoyed_] Just say man and wife already! 

**Kanyon:** [_confused_] But that'sth not the way it goesth, Tripow H! 

**Helmsley:** Just DO it before I take my sledgehammer to your ass! 

**Kanyon:** [_quickly_] Man and wife! 

**Helmsley: **[_to a nearby Vince McMahon_] Show Steph to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly. 

**Stephanie:** [_angry_] That big stupid blonde JERK didn't come!!! 

[_Big Show, Angle and Jericho are in Titan Towers. Big Show is holding up Jericho. Angle, leading the way, meets with Stone Cold and four of his butt-kissers_] 

**Stone Cold:** Job the blonde one and the Big Slow... WHAT? I said job the blonde one and the Big Slow... but I wanna talk to the third one! 

[_The guards try to rush by Angle, but are no match for his ankle-lock submission hold. Angle makes all four tap out. Only Stone Cold remains_] 

**Angle: **[_to Stone Cold_]Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You stole my medals. Prepare to tap! 

[_Just as Angle and Austin prepare to wrestle, Austin turns around and_   
_runs away. Angle chases after Stone Cold, who locks one of the doors behind him. Angle is not strong enough to break through_] 

**Angle:** Big Show! Get your big butt over here! 

**Big Show:** I can't leave Jericho alone! 

**Angle:** As a man of integrity, I can understand that... but Austin is getting away!! Help your olympic hero! Please! 

[_Big Show goes and knocks the door down easily_] 

**Angle:** Thanks [_heads after Stone Cold_] 

[_Vince and Linda escort Stephanie from the chapel_] 

**Vince:** Well, that was a strange wedding... 

**Linda:** Yes, very strange. Let's go, Vince. [_Linda exits_] 

[_Stephanie slaps her father_] 

**Vince:** What was that for?! 

**Stephanie:** Because you didn't stop the wedding!! I'm joining the Alliance once I reach the honeymoon suite, and then I'll come back and take revenge on you! 

**Vince: **[_outraged_] WHAT? How could you do that to your own father?! [_Stephanie runs off_] STEPH! GET BACK HERE! 

[_Back in the hallway, Angle is still chasing Stone Cold. Stone Cold eventually runs into a dead end. Stone Cold stops and kicks Angle in the stomach, then gives him a Stone Cold stunner_] 

**Stone Cold:** You must be that Olympic Hero I stole the medals from! WHAT? I said you must be that Olympic Hero I stole the medals from! 

**Angle:** [_weakly_] Oh it's true. And I plan on getting them back... 

**Stone Cold:** You can't, ya silly bastard! WHAT? I said you can't! I threw 'em in the river! [_laughs evilly_] 

[_Still lying on the ground,_ _Angle starts to cry_] 

**Stone Cold: **[_with an evil smile_] Lookatcha! WHAT? I said LOOKATCHA! You're PATHETIC! 

[_In the Honeymoon suite, Stephanie is wearing a T-shirt, and jeans and tries to set her usual skanky clothing on fire. Jericho lies behind her on the bed_] 

**Jericho:** Thank goodness you're burning those. 

**Stephanie:** [_seeing him finally_] Jericho! [_she stops_] Wait a sec... were you watching me CHANGE? You PERVERT! 

[_Stephanie slaps him_] 

**Jericho:** OW! 

**Stephanie:** OW? What's wrong with you? You usually block my slaps, then insult me or something and--- 

**Jericho:** [_wincing_] Yeah well... not right now... 

[_Stephanie looks confused_] 

[_The scene is back to Angle and Stone Cold_] 

[_Angle stops crying and gets back to his feet, a wild angry look in his eyes_] 

**Stone Cold:** [_surprised Angle kicked out_] Are you no-selling my stunner? WHAT? I said are you no-selling my stunner? I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve some silly olympic bastard no-selling my stunner! 

**Angle:** [_ignoring Stone Cold's words_] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare to tap! [_Austin punches him, but Angle still no-sells_] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare to tap! [_Angle lunges at Stone Cold_] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare to tap! 

**Stone Cold:** [_frightened and angry_] Stop saying that! WHAT? I said STOP SAYING THAT! WHAT? WHAT? [_Angle knocks Austin on his back_] 

**Angle:** [_enraged_] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare to tap! [_Angle grabs Austin's ankle_] 

**Stone Cold:** NO! DON'T! 

**Angle:** [_not putting pressure on the ankle yet_] Offer me an appology! 

**Stone Cold:** [_quietly_] I'm sorry... 

**Angle:** WHAT? [_starts to put a little pressure on_] 

**Stone Cold:** [_a bit louder_] I said I'm sorry... [_Angle puts a bit more pressure on_] I'M SORRY!! I'M SORRY FOR THROWING YOUR MEDALS IN THE RIVER! 

**Angle:** [_smiling coldly_] Offer me a title shot! 

**Stone Cold:** [_begging pathetically_] I'll offer you anything. WHAT? I said I'll offer you anything! 

**Angle:** [_putting the ankle-lock on full-force_] I want my medals back, you bald-headed redneck![_Stone Cold screams as he taps out]_

[_Stone Cold is crying now. Angle finally breaks the hold_] 

**Angle:**[_staring down at the sobbing Stone Cold_] Look at you! WHAT? I said look at you! You're pathetic! 

[_Angle then runs off to find Jericho_] 

[_The Honeymoon suite_] 

**Stephanie:** Jericho, can you forgive me? 

**Jericho:** For what? Being a trashbag ho? 

**Stephanie: **[_angry_] I am NOT a... never mind! I mean can you forgive me for getting married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast. 

**Jericho:** Everything is fast with you, Steph... but don't worry. The wedding never happened. 

**Stephanie:** What? 

**Jericho:** It never happened. 

**Stephanie:** But it did! I was there...this guy with a speech impediment said 'man and wife'. 

**Jericho:** Did you say "I do"? 

**Stephanie:** Well... no. 

**Jericho:** Then you're not married [_looks at the door to the suite_] Isn't that right, Trip? 

**Helmsley:** I can fix that with a few drinks and a 24-hour chapel in Vegas! [_He holds up his sledgehammer_] 

**Jericho:** [_slowly sitting up_] The Sledgehammer again, huh, Trip? Ok then... we'll wrestle a last-man standing match! 

**Helmsley:** Last-man standing? 

**Jericho:** You got it, ass-clown! 

**Helmsley:** That may be the first time in my life a JOBBER has called me an ass-clown! 

**Jericho: **I'm NOT a jobber! Heyman gave me a push! 

**Helmsley:** Is that supposed to mean something to me? 

**Jericho: **It means that when I'm through with you, all you'll hear is people laughing when you hit the ring! It means that the "Helmsley Sucks" chants will be almost as deafening as the "X-Pac sucks" chants! It means wrestling promoters will look at you and say, "Hey, isn't that Prince Helmsley? He used to be good! Now he's just a pathetic jobber!" [_in a cold voice_] It means I will leave you with a Y2J beating you will never eeeeeeeeever forget! 

**Helmsley:** I think you're bluffing. 

**Jericho:** It's possible, Junior. I might be bluffing. I'm only lying here because you jobbed me to hell. Then again, perhaps that push Heyman gave me is finally kicking in [_Slowly, Jericho stands, cracking his knuckles_] Drop... your... sledgehammer. 

[_Helmsley hesitates, then sees how dead-serious Jericho is. Helmsley drops his sledgehammer to the ground, realizing that with the 'Heyman push', Jericho could royally kick his ass. Helmsley sits down, stunned at this new turn of events_] 

[_Stephanie ties Helmsley up_] 

[_Just then, Angle comes in_] 

**Angle:** Hey, Jericho... Where's Big Show? 

**Jericho:** I thought he was with you? [_Angle shakes his head_] In that case...[_Jericho starts to move then almost falls over_] 

**Angle:** [_to Stephanie_] Help him. 

**Stephanie:** Why does Jericho need helping? 

**Angle: **Because he was forced to watch really bad promos while denied mic time, and was jobbed repeatedly. He hasn't fully recovered yet. 

**Helmsley:** I knew you were bluffing! 

**Angle:** [_indicating Helmsley_] Should I make him tap? 

**Jericho:** Naw. No point in totally ruining his credibility. Whatever happens to us, I want him to wrestle a long career as a jobber in the indies. 

**Big Show:** [_from outside the window_] Hey, Angle! Where are you? [_Angle_   
_runs to the window_] Oh...there you are. Angle, I saw Prince Helmsley's garage, and there was this big-ass limo! I figure since there were four of us, we could use it to make our escape! 

**Angle: **[_to Jericho_] You know, I've been chasing after the bald-headed redneck for so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do! 

**Jericho:** Kirk, you'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate No-Seller. 

**Narrator:** They all jumped into the limo and drove to freedom. As dawn arose, Jericho and Stephanie knew they were safe. They poked their heads through the sunroof, and reached for each other--- 

------------------------ 

"What, Cousin?! What happened?" Crash asked desperately. "C'mon... don't stop there!" 

Hardcore studies the page in front of him, "Man... this makes no sense! Like these two would ever kiss!" 

"Well, of course they would! It's that 'love-hate' thing! C'mon! Read what it says, Cousin!" 

Hardcore Holly took a deep breath, and continued. 

------------------------ 

**Narrator:** Jericho and Stephanie had only ever kissed twice, and both kisses garnered a huge pop from the fans. The pop for this one left those two far behind. THE END. 

------------------------ 

"There. Done. Now go to sleep!" 

"Ok, Cousin... but hey, can you come over and read it again to me tomorrow?" Crash begged. 

"WHY?" Hardcore asked, "You can't read it yourself? Do I gotta smack you again?" 

"NO!" Crash covered his head, then peered up at Cousin Hardcore, "Can you PLEASE come back again tomorow? Please? Please please?!" 

"Fine... only if you stop begging! You're a HOLLY! Holly's don't beg!" 

Crash nodded and agreed, and Cousin Hardcore left the room, promising to come back the next day and read the story again. 

**** THE END 


End file.
